Paladin: You Could Have It All chapter 1
by Danny Bell
Summary: Just finished chapter 1. Chapter 2 to come soon. Write a review or I'm telling everyone about that thing you're into. Also this lousy program doesn't let me put in line breaks no matter how much I beg and plead, and I'm tired of fighting with it.


Chapter 1

With his back against the wall, Paladin looked at the freak show in front of him and recalled the files on every single person in this room that was about to try and kill him: There was The Clown, Eliot Franklin. Known powers: He is a clown. Fun Fact: He has three STD's and has failed two attempts at suicide. Then there was Bruce Olafsen, who called himself Strongman. Known powers: White teeth and healthy gums to die for. Fun Fact: Openly wept when he became a naturalized American citizen. Unintentionally crushed an immigration agent to death immediately afterwards in a bear hug and ran from the law minutes later. In front of him was Jack Pulver, a.k.a. The Human Cannonball. Known Powers: Dangerously short and has a head as big as his torso; can give you the creeps if you look at him too long. Fun Fact: Once spent a week trapped in the landing gear of a 747. Wheezing to their left was Teena, the fat bitch. Known powers: Glaucoma, Diabetes, Heart Disease, Liver Failure, Swollen Ankles, and Labored Breathing. Fun Fact: Once trapped The Human Cannonball in an unknown crevice of her body for a week. And finally, he laid his eyes on Ernesto and Luigi Gambanno, the Great Gambanno's. Known Powers: Acrobatic Italian identical twins. Fun Fact: They shower together.

THOOM! THOOM! THOOM! THOOM!

Paladin shot them all in rapid fire with his infamous Stun Gun dropping them all to ground in a heap.

"Shit! Jesus! Okay!" The Ringmaster shouted as he flinched violently ducking to the ground and clutching his oversized top hat.

"I honestly don't know why they even give me files to memorize." Paladin said to himself absently.

The Ringmaster regained his composure, blissfully unaware of the small, fresh urine spot on his trousers. "You may have felled my minions, Paladin, but!" He exclaimed in a dramatic voice.

"Hmm?" Paladin remarked, realizing he missed a spot.

The Ringmaster continued. "All who gaze upon my Hypnotic Top Hat shall surely…!"

THOOM!

Paladin shot the hat clean off The Ringmaster's head, causing the urine spot to grow just a little bit larger and the Ringmaster's lips to quiver. He stared at Paladin for a moment before dashing toward the exit of the big top tent.

"Check it out, man!" The Black Knight joyously exclaimed as he entered the tent, holding a three foot mound of pink fluffy sugar. "Cotton Candy!" He didn't even notice as The Ringmaster ran head first into chest and collapsed in a pile at his feet.

"Christ man, where were you?" Paladin asked in a huff, stepping over the obese woman in front of him as he holstered his gun. "I really could have used you in here a minute ago."

"Hey, it's not like I wasn't working!" The Black Knight said defensively. "Aragorn set fire to the elephant's tent and I had to stop them from getting away."

"Well, that makes sense, I guess, assuming you consider a flying horse that is always on fire to make sense." Paladin sighed. "So where are they?"

"They got away." The Black Knight said sheepishly.

Paladin stared at him a moment before continuing. "You know we're only about a mile outside of a very busy farming community, right?"

The Black Knight suddenly had a moment of realization on his face, before Paladin shouted at him. "That's right, go!" He screamed as his idiot friend turned and started to run out of the tent. "Leave the Cotton Candy!" He yelled again, causing the Black Knight to dash back to him and leave the snack before dashing back out again.

Paladin squatted down to talk to The Ringmaster, who was now gingerly rubbing the large bump on his forehead. "Maynard, isn't it?" He asked. "Let me talk with you a minute. Want some?" He gestured the candy towards him, and he declined with a nod. "What are you thinking here? You don't need to be robbing folks, man! You have a legitimate circus! This shit is coming back in style! Have you even been to Vegas recently? The chump change you're stealing from the audience is nothing compared to the money you'd get from a TV deal. Why didn't you just use your mind control hat to convince people that you were the best show they'd ever seen, or at least to convince a network to give you a TV deal? You could have totally gotten one."

"You really think so?" The Ringmaster asked weakly.

"Well, I wouldn't watch or anything, I hate the fucking circus." Paladin remarked, chewing a bite of the cotton candy. "But you know, I also hate that Hannah Montana chick, and look how well she cleans up. Besides, it's not even like you're trying. You have a sign out front that reads 'Circus of Crime'. You're pretty bad when it comes to being criminals."

"Yeah, and I'm not getting any younger." The Ringmaster reflected. "Doctor says I have an enlarged prostate."

"Don't actually give a shit to be honest, you freaky old man." Paladin said through a particularly large bite of the candy.

"So you're going to let me go?" The Ringmaster asked.

"Nope!" Paladin said, lifting him off his feet with headlock. "I just saw this thing on Oprah about reforming super criminals or whatever, so I thought I'd give a shot." Paladin put down the candy and pulled out his cell phone, still holding the Ringmaster in his chokehold.

"Hello? Yeah, it's me. Yeah I got him, he's right here." Paladin said as the Ringmaster kicked his feet furiously, his eyes bulging and face turning crimson. "Uh-huh, and the fat chick. Yeah, and the midget. Shot them both. I also shot the clown, the retard, and the gay twins. No really, it was no problem. Excellent, a pleasure doing business with you. Tell your friends."

Paladin hung up the phone and surveyed his damage. Is this what I've been reduced to, he wondered. "Oh hey, you all right?" He asked the Ringmaster, who now had a furious, desperate look on his purple face. The Ringmaster gurgled out an unintelligible response. "Oh gross, drool!" Paladin shouted, letting him go and immediately shooting him.

Paladin picked up the top hat he shot earlier and dusted it off. "Oh, swank!" He remarked, trying it on. "I am totally keeping this!"

Just then The Black Knight returned with a sour look on his face. "So hey man, what do you think?" Paladin asked him, pointing with both hands to his new top hat sitting comfortably on his head.

"You look stupid." He responded sullenly.

"You have no taste, I look sharp." Paladin responded.

"I have no taste? You used to wear a cape!" His friend retorted.

"Man, what's your problem?" Paladin asked.

"I'm not stronger than a rampaging elephant." He said with a frown.

"So you didn't stop the elephants?" Paladin said accusingly.

"I didn't stop the elephants." The Black Knight admitted.

"Well screw it, the client is on his way anyway and our work is done." Paladin said. "Let's get out of here."

"What about the elephants?" The Black Knight asked.

"Never happened, my friend. Never happened."

THERE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A LINE BREAK HERE BUT THE PROGRAM WON'T SHOW IT. JUST THINK OF THIS LINE AS "MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE OVER PRICED APARTMENT…

"Tragedy today, as three elephants rampaged through the crowded streets of St. Paul, Minnesota in what authorities are calling 'A Genuine Catastrophe'." The TV Newswoman said on the television behind Paladin.

"Can you believe this crap?" Paladin said, furrowing his brow and turning the laptop towards his friend. "Thirty grand!"

"That's a good thing, right?" Dane Whitman said, now out of his Black Knight armor.

"…thought to be endangered, the beasts were tragically put down when…"

"I don't scratch my balls for thirty grand! This is all we're getting paid for the Circus of Crime job!" Paladin yelled.

"Well, how much did you expect those guys to be worth? Did they even have any warrants out or anything?" Dane asked.

"…the crowded school bus shown here…"

"It's the principle of the matter. I'm a professional, and I expect to be paid for my work." Paladin said defiantly.

"I suppose that's fair." Dane said.

"…was thought to be pregnant…"

"Hey, are you watching this?" Paladin asked, nodding towards the TV. "Don't answer, it doesn't matter 'cause you don't pay rent and I want to check out Sports Center." He said changing the channel.

"Did you ever think that maybe I wanted to…" Dane began to say as Paladin cut him off.

"Get me a beer!" He commanded, pressing a small button on his new top hat, causing the psychedelic circle on it to begin swirling.

Dane instantly shut up and walked stiffly to the kitchen, returning with a beer. "God damn I love this thing!" Paladin said, taking a swig of his drink.

"Yeah, but you'd never use it on me, right?" Dane asked.

"Of course not, we're friends!" Paladin said, pressing the button again. "Do you find Hugh Grant attractive?"

"Yes." Dane said stiffly before continuing. "Good, because I hear repeated exposure to its effects can cause brain damage."

"Yeah, that's going to be a major concern of yours." Paladin said dismissively. "So what's in the bullpen?"

Dane looked over his laptop screen, looking for the upcoming jobs that Paladin was referring to. "How do you want me to sort these? Highest paying, date requested, location…?"

"Can you sort by least to most stupid?" Paladin asked.

"Well, here's a good one." Dane said hopefully. "The Red Cross would like to hire you with total deniability to overthrow a despot in Africa and deliver medicine to aids patients."

"Oh hell no! How is that a considered a good one?" Paladin asked.

"Dude! Starving Africans being oppressed by warlords! It's altruistic!" Dane practically yelled.

"Don't talk to me about altruism, when was the last time you saw the Avengers in Africa? Or the Fantastic Four?" Paladin questioned. "Reed Richards can make an atomic powered coffee grind disposer that costs as much as my car but he can't be bothered to help out a third world nation? No way, I send my donation check like everyone else. Tell Oprah to go if you're that worried about it."

"I thought we agreed not to involve Oprah again." Dane said suddenly gravely serious.

"You're right." Paladin agreed. "What else do we got?"

"This kid claims his classmates are being replaced by deep cover Skrull agents." Dane said.

"Now we got something!" Paladin said, sitting up. "Rich kid private school or public school?"

"Hmm, looks like a Catholic school for lower middle class kids." Dane answered.

"Damn it, forget it." Paladin said, leaning back. "Let the local nobody capes handle it. That kid would never afford us in a million years."

"Yeah, but it has been a while since we stopped any shape shifters." Dane remarked, trying to convince Paladin.

"Yeah, yeah, give me something good!" Paladin said impatiently.

"All right, here's a good one, just came in!" Dane said, adjusting himself in his seat. "Mr. Hyde, King Cobra, Electro, and Whiteout have just taken over 100 hostages at a bank in Vermont and they need a professional to take them out and recover the hostages unharmed."

"Hey, hey! This sounds fairly high profile!" Paladin said, finding himself once again interested. "When did this come in?"

"I told you, literally just now." Dane reiterated.

"I know the first three, but who is Whiteout?" Paladin asked.

"She was one of the Femizons, remember?" Dane replied.

"Nope, doesn't ring a bell." Paladin said nervously. "Say, how many entrances do you see to this place?"

"Seriously, you don't remember?" Dane said. "You stole her clothes when she caught you trying to escape?"

"Honestly man, no clue. Let's drop it." Paladin said studying the screen.

"How could you not remember?" Dane said with a laugh. "It was like, the second time in a day you stole a chicks costume and tried to escape. It was right after you completely failed to rescue that chick Diamondback. I don't know how you could possibly forget getting beat up by all those women, especially not after Captain America wound up doing all the fighting against their leader while you hid on a helicopter to…"

"All right god damn it I remember who she is!" Paladin practically screamed at Dane. "Yes! I was nearly killed and maimed by a lot of women, all right? I was almost torn in half by women! They tried to turn me into a girl! Yes, I remember that! Girls beat me up, ha ha! Can we please move on now?"

"I know man. I'm just fucking with you." Dane said with a smirk. "That was pretty funny though. All those girls beating you up..."

"You're a dick." Paladin sulked, pressing a button on his top hat. "Forget I was ever beat up by all those girls."

Dane stiffened up for a moment and then snapped back into reality. "Hey, I think we could really do this one!"

"Don't get too ahead of yourself, how close are the Avengers and any reservists?" Paladin asked, trying his best to pretend the previous conversation never happened.

Dane made a few clicks on the keyboard of his laptop and said reassuringly, "All busy. Half the members are in Latveria as we speak."

"What's the hero situation in a ten mile radius?" Paladin asked, scooting his chair over to take a look.

"Dead." Dane said. "The Air Twins died in a car accident two weeks ago and Arrowhead was just murdered by Mr. Hyde trying to negotiate a release of the hostages. Local PD and the National Guard are in front of the bank, and it looks like it's just about to go live on the news."

"Fuck man, we've got to get down there!" Paladin said springing to his feet. "Accept the offer before some idiot sees this and tries to be a hero. God damn it, where are my gas grenades?"

"Wait up, are we doing this alone?" Dane questioned. "What about Danny and Janet?"

"There's no time to get a hold of either of them, and even if there were I've already told you we're not involving Janet." Paladin said dismissively.

"You really need to get over yourself man; we could really use her help." Dane said, finishing up on his laptop.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Paladin asked accusingly.

"Nothing, it's just that there are only two of us and four of them. More people would be handy, that's all."

"You're not worried, are you?" Paladin mocked. "You can always hang out here while I do all the heavy lifting if you're afraid of a few B-Listers."

"Hey screw you, I'm the Black Knight man, check this shit out!" Dane said, preparing to change into his alter ego.

"Not in the house!" Paladin screamed at him.

"Mr. Mayor, we'll have to go on the air soon if your hired gun doesn't arrive soon." The apparent assistant said to the older gentlemen she was applying make up to.

"Damn it all, what a mess." The mayor said nervously looking at his watch. "Thank you Amanda. That will be fine."

"For the record sir, I think this is an extremely bad idea." She said, straightening his tie. "Your son in law has already been killed today trying to solve this problem. I think we should just cut our losses."

"If you've ever had with Kevin you probably wouldn't consider this a loss." The Mayor said candidly. "What's the awful noise?" He wondered aloud.

The horribly rumbling became louder and louder as a thick dark cloud came roaring in their direction. As it came closer it only served to pollute the otherwise sunny day. Amanda screamed slightly and ducked behind the Mayor. As the cloud came into view, the Mayor could make out flickering flames surrounding a car and what inexplicably looked like a knight waving a sword in his direction.

The car skidded to stop as Paladin and Black Knight exited the car casually and approached the stunned political duo. "Mayor McCheese, I presume?" Paladin asked, extending his hand in greeting. "I arrived as soon as I could."

"That's McAhee." The Mayor corrected him as the car became engulfed in flames behind them. Fire crews rushed over to extinguish the flaming vehicle. "What in God's name took you so long?"

"The helicopter ran out of gas and this guy rides a winged horse, so we stole this car." Paladin answered. "I trust I can get a pardon if it comes to that."

"Do you always wear purple?" Mayor McAhee wondered aloud.

"I'm really sorry, but are you wearing make up?" Black Knight chimed in.

"Not now man, let me talk." Paladin said raising a hand to silence him.

"What a weirdo." Black Knight said sheathing his sword.

"So what's the situation?" Paladin asked as the station wagon behind him exploded with a deafening boom behind them.

"My daughter is one of the hostages, and thus far all attempts to negotiate with those hoods have been completely unsuccessful." The Mayor practically yelled over the sound of the commotion.

"And you called me because I have a great track record with situations like this?" Paladin asked.

"Yeah, all right, we can go with that." The Mayor responded. "But listen, I have a special request that I can't ask of most super heroes. My daughter is in there. You absolutely cannot let the press know that I've hired you to go in there with the knowledge that my daughter could be in harm's way. However, if you see her, she is to be your number one priority. Do you understand?"

"Absolutely," Paladin said. "And I assume this means we'll be paid in cash?"

"Two hundred thousand." The Mayor said opening a large briefcase to expose several bundles of cash. "Succeed and we'll shake hands in front of the cameras. Fail and we've never met."

Paladin and Black Knight sat on the roof of the bank examining a small hand held device. Looking at the screen he could tell the hostages and bad guys alike were split into two groups. Judging by sheer shape alone from the infrared sensors, the massive person and the odd shaped person were most likely Hyde and Cobra, which put them in the manager's area in the back with half the hostages. By default, the other half had to have been Electro and Whiteout and their half of the hostages.

"Why are they split into two groups?" Black Knight asked. "It doesn't make any sense."

"I don't know. Why don't we listen in and find out?" Paladin said taking a small, insect sized device out of his belt pouch.

Touching screen on his handheld Paladin brought the tiny robot to life and sent it flying through the air, through the air duct, and into main hall where Electro and Whiteout were already engaged in a heated conversation.

"…can't even rob a simple bank. Why am I with you again?" The two could hear Whiteout ask.

"Because baby, we're going to start a new life together!" Electro said desperately. "I love you, you know that."

"If you loved me, you would march in that other room and tell those two idiots that this is our bank and they need to find their own." Whiteout practically yelled at him.

Paladin lowered the volume and looked at Black Knight. "Man, this is great!" He said with a smile. "They're not working together, they just have horrible luck!"

"Wait, what are the odds that two teams of villains would be trying to rob the same bank in the middle of nowhere, and that the Mayor's daughter would just happen to be inside?" Black Knight asked suspiciously.

"Not as high as you'd think," Paladin answered. "But that's not important right now. We need to decide who is going after which group."

"Well, this is your show, what do you think?" Black Knight asked him.

"Whatever it is, it has to be quick." Paladin said. "We can't risk getting any of the hostages killed, and we don't want to let either of them know something's up until it's too late. So I'm thinking you take Hyde and Cobra while I deal with the loving couple."

"Right, that makes sense," Black Knight agreed. "Strength versus strength on my end while you use your agility and training to handle the clumsy street level couple. You could probably even sneak up on them through the air vent."

"No," Paladin said drawing his gun from his holster. "I just really want to shoot that bitch."

"Oh man, I just remembered!" Black Knight exclaimed as his face lit up. "You got beat up by a bunch of chicks before, didn't you?"

Paladin instinctively reached for his head but realized he left his stylish new top hat at home. "Oh fuck it, let's just get in there."


End file.
